Letter to Grief

Dear Grief,

 

You have been in my life for almost a year now. While in the beginning you were so oppressive, all consuming, and tiring..now? Now you are a constant companion that I’ve gotten used too.  Sometimes you rear your head, and get a little too controlling again, and I will not put up with that, mmkay?

Want to know why? Okay, well I ‘ll tell you anyways. So you better listen.

 

I am a daughter of the Most High.

I am the Beloved of my King.

I am called precious, loved, grace-filled and receiver of Mercy.

I do not have to conform to the world, nor do I have to let my feelings rule who I am, or will be.

I am called His!

I am full of His peace.

 

So you see…I really don’t have time for you, nor will I make time for you. I might stumble, I’m sure I’ll fall a time or two or three…but you know what?

He is there for me, He never breaks His promises to me.  I do not have to rely on my own understand, nor my own promises, because I’m like the wind that blows without direction. He is constant. He is faithful. He is Everlasting.

So, Grief, while you’ve served your purpose, you can go now…because now it’s His purpose which will be served.

 

Sincerely,

Peg, daughter of the Most High.

 

Wondering, Crying and Remembering.

And sometimes, it hits me out of nowhere, again.

When will I remember that I had a baby and lost him?

When will I remember without crying?

I see pictures of him, marvel at his tiny size at birth. But I wonder, was he real?

I see pictures of us as a family, lost in good memories. But I wonder, will it happen again, or was it just a dream?

I look through the pictures of things we did, crying at what we lost. But I wonder…was he real?

I touch the clothes that once warmed his skin, and get lost is memories. But I wonder, will these hands hold another child of ours?

*sigh* He was real. I once held him. I once knew what the love of a parent meant. Do I still?

I once had a baby boy, whom I still love more than air. I once held him so close.

Thoughts on Turning 30

I turn 30 years old in 8 days. 30 years of living, learning, loving and losing.

So much learning.

When I was younger, say high school, I thought I had SO many years between my 17 yrs and 30. Now looking back, it’s really flown. And doesn’t everyone say that at some point? Well, thats because it’s true.

30 years old.  Something that was so ‘scary’ at some point, is nothing to worry over now. Maybe it’s because 2010 was so much more scary. Maybe it’s because I’m looking forward with hope to this year of 2011. Maybe it’s because I’m finally learning that age is nothing compared to how I’ve lived, not how long I’ve lasted on this earth. Maybe it’s because I can’t avoid aging. Maybe it’s because I’m one year closer to going Home and seeing Michael in his Heavenly beauty.

When the year begins, people are full of such high hopes for the newness. Making resolutions, planning how things will go. Even fulfilling a bucket dream or two. I have done this too, and still do. But with that should also come a disclaimer. We are NOT in control of our lives, not like we assume we are.  We can make decisions, plan things out, but how often do those plans really match our dreams?  Sometimes the year turns a 180 on you and nothing you try to do, changes that.

How do you plan on dealing with life? With those changes in your plans, which you have no control over? Do you have plans for THAT reality? If not…you should.  You should always know how you’ll handle the  falls, trips and bruises of life.  That is reality. It’s not pessimistic, it’s being honest with yourself. And even if you have those ‘plans’ on how you’ll deal with it, those even change on you. Because sometimes, you don’t know how you’ll react.

You are not in control.

You will fall.

You will be bruised by life.

You will come face to face with your ugly side at one point.

How will you deal with it?

I have the privilege benefit of knowing how I’ll survive. Of knowing what I’m like. It’s not pretty, but I know I lean on God in the darkness. I know His peace does come, and covers all. I know that answers do not come always.  I know that life moves on. I know that I must move on, as God calls me too.

What about you?

In His hands, thankfully!

Peg

Going through his things…

Well…we went through his things. It looks like a baby store threw up in our living room. We can’t get rid of anything, nor do we want to cut anything up to make a quilt like I’d thought we would. Things are being repacked, for future children.

How do you decide what to keep, when everything holds a memory that much closer?  How do you decide what to give away, when it feels like you’re giving away a piece of Mickey…?

We held everything little thing in those 11 boxes. 11 boxes held what is tangibly left of Michael.

Every little stain, from formula, food, drool. My fingers softly rubbing over the stains, remembering how they got there…

Clothing brought to our nose, to catch a scent…if there was one.  Could it be? Or just my imagination…but I think I smelled him again…

Tears pouring down our faces, our hearts aching all over again, never stopping. Heads shaking at the disbelief that still haunts us.

Laughing over something we remember when Michael was wearing that blue soft jacket.

Holding the still dirty socks that once embraced his tiny feet…laughing that we’re still missing one shoe…will we ever find it?

Marveling at the preemie clothing…remembering the NICU…

 

At times it doesn’t seem real that we had a baby…then I look around me now…still surrounded by his things, letting two of his favorite blankets keep my legs warm.

Yes, Michael…you were here…you were real. You weren’t a dream…but I miss you so. I get through the day thinking of you as in a dream…

I miss you…still so terribly much.

Your Daddy misses you more than he tells me as well…

Today our arms held your clothes once again…but you were missing. Your precious, sturdy body wasn’t holding them just so…

Please don’t mind the tears….remember they are because we still love you more than air.

 

Peg & Mommy

Updates…then some cleaning.

So our propane went out over the weekend. When the outside temps where -1 or -4…

We packed ourselves and the cat up, and stayed overnight at my parents, until the propane was filled again. Why does propane have to be SO expensive?!  Note to self; if a place has propane for ANYTHING, run for the hills…or at least don’t live there!

We’re spending the day cleaning today as well as going through the clothes that have been sitting in boxes for 10 months. The clothes we used to put Michael in.  I’m ready. I think. I hope. It’s time…

If you read this post today, Jan 4th, please send a prayer our way. We’ll need it, thank you.

Peg