I turn 30 years old in 8 days. 30 years of living, learning, loving and losing.
So much learning.
When I was younger, say high school, I thought I had SO many years between my 17 yrs and 30. Now looking back, it’s really flown. And doesn’t everyone say that at some point? Well, thats because it’s true.
30 years old. Something that was so ‘scary’ at some point, is nothing to worry over now. Maybe it’s because 2010 was so much more scary. Maybe it’s because I’m looking forward with hope to this year of 2011. Maybe it’s because I’m finally learning that age is nothing compared to how I’ve lived, not how long I’ve lasted on this earth. Maybe it’s because I can’t avoid aging. Maybe it’s because I’m one year closer to going Home and seeing Michael in his Heavenly beauty.
When the year begins, people are full of such high hopes for the newness. Making resolutions, planning how things will go. Even fulfilling a bucket dream or two. I have done this too, and still do. But with that should also come a disclaimer. We are NOT in control of our lives, not like we assume we are. We can make decisions, plan things out, but how often do those plans really match our dreams? Sometimes the year turns a 180 on you and nothing you try to do, changes that.
How do you plan on dealing with life? With those changes in your plans, which you have no control over? Do you have plans for THAT reality? If not…you should. You should always know how you’ll handle the falls, trips and bruises of life. That is reality. It’s not pessimistic, it’s being honest with yourself. And even if you have those ‘plans’ on how you’ll deal with it, those even change on you. Because sometimes, you don’t know how you’ll react.
You are not in control.
You will fall.
You will be bruised by life.
You will come face to face with your ugly side at one point.
How will you deal with it?
I have the
privilege benefit of knowing how I’ll survive. Of knowing what I’m like. It’s not pretty, but I know I lean on God in the darkness. I know His peace does come, and covers all. I know that answers do not come always. I know that life moves on. I know that I must move on, as God calls me too.
What about you?
In His hands, thankfully!
Well…we went through his things. It looks like a baby store threw up in our living room. We can’t get rid of anything, nor do we want to cut anything up to make a quilt like I’d thought we would. Things are being repacked, for future children.
How do you decide what to keep, when everything holds a memory that much closer? How do you decide what to give away, when it feels like you’re giving away a piece of Mickey…?
We held everything little thing in those 11 boxes. 11 boxes held what is tangibly left of Michael.
Every little stain, from formula, food, drool. My fingers softly rubbing over the stains, remembering how they got there…
Clothing brought to our nose, to catch a scent…if there was one. Could it be? Or just my imagination…but I think I smelled him again…
Tears pouring down our faces, our hearts aching all over again, never stopping. Heads shaking at the disbelief that still haunts us.
Laughing over something we remember when Michael was wearing that blue soft jacket.
Holding the still dirty socks that once embraced his tiny feet…laughing that we’re still missing one shoe…will we ever find it?
Marveling at the preemie clothing…remembering the NICU…
At times it doesn’t seem real that we had a baby…then I look around me now…still surrounded by his things, letting two of his favorite blankets keep my legs warm.
Yes, Michael…you were here…you were real. You weren’t a dream…but I miss you so. I get through the day thinking of you as in a dream…
I miss you…still so terribly much.
Your Daddy misses you more than he tells me as well…
Today our arms held your clothes once again…but you were missing. Your precious, sturdy body wasn’t holding them just so…
Please don’t mind the tears….remember they are because we still love you more than air.
Peg & Mommy
So our propane went out over the weekend. When the outside temps where -1 or -4…
We packed ourselves and the cat up, and stayed overnight at my parents, until the propane was filled again. Why does propane have to be SO expensive?! Note to self; if a place has propane for ANYTHING, run for the hills…or at least don’t live there!
We’re spending the day cleaning today as well as going through the clothes that have been sitting in boxes for 10 months. The clothes we used to put Michael in. I’m ready. I think. I hope. It’s time…
If you read this post today, Jan 4th, please send a prayer our way. We’ll need it, thank you.
I’ve been really thinking and praying about where I wanted this blog to go. Or even if I continue to use it for something other than what it is.
Should I let this blog be about Michael, and grief, and hope? Or can I allow it to morph into something else, along with my life?
I want to allow it to morph…losing Michael is a huge part of who I am now, why I’m so passionate about certain things now.
What do you think, my friends?
Happy New Years.
Last night I cried because I didn’t want to leave Michael behind. Irrational, yes. I’m finding that grief IS irrational. No matter what way you slice grief, no matter who you’re grieving, it is not rational.
This is a new year though. I’m wary of it, but choosing to be optimistic that it will be better than 2010.
I’m turning 30 this year. I’ve always wanted to do something special to celebrate it…looking forward to it, unlike some other women, ;). While it won’t be as ‘spectacular’ as I’d dreamt, it’ll have the most important people in my life…and that is always the best to me.
I sometimes go back and forth…do I say screw the world, and be nasty, anger, and cutting? Or do I strive to hang onto love, peace…hope for the future? Most of the time, I can ignore the nasty side I have now. I can ignore the anger. I’m working on the cutting words…
This is a rambling post…I don’t know where I’m going with it.
I just miss Michael. I equal him with 2010. Now 2010 is gone…forever. It’s hit me hard.
Hope your 2011 is a good one.
I was visiting a bloggy friends page this morning. She recently lost her son, and I try to be an encouragement, but usually walk away encouraged and lifted up myself.
Today she was imagining that Christmas in Heaven must be the loveliest thing to behold. We can only imagine the full extent of what Heaven must be like, what it means to be free from grief, sorrow, strife and free from these earthly bounds.
As I started to comment her, my thoughts flew off on a tangent. Much too long for a comment, although I did leave a bit on her blog…to let her know I’m thinking of her, praying for her.
This is what I left:
I can only imagine what Christmas in heaven must be like. One day we will be up there as a family again, celebrating with our lovely boys, at the foot of Christ. Dancing with the angels and millions of others in Heaven.
I can only imagine what it will be like to be free from our grief, free from our sorrow, and free from the narrowness of our earthly bounds.
With the intensity of grief we as humans feel, I can not imagine how it will feel when we are truly free form grief, sorrow and disappointment.
Heaven must be a wonderful place. What I can imagine, is wonderful. And I know there is much more than what I can think, much more is being experienced by my son and many many others before me.
What is the most beautiful place you know? Heaven is better.
What is the happiest memory you have? Heaven is better.
Use your imagination to create the best place you can think of. Heaven is better.
Heaven is better.
In His hands,
Wow. I’ve made it to post 200. I have thought long and hard about this post. What shall I talk about? What should it entail? I’ve already done a recap of the year, my goals for next year have been mapped out and my highlighting of other blogs I’ve followed all year long has been linked up.
So what now? What could I possible talk about, of significance, for this special blogaversary?
I am eager to leave 2010 behind. Or am I? I entered the year with Michael in my arms, and I leave it and him behind.
I have handled this year with the only way I know how. God. I learned to take one step at a time, and face the grief, not run from it. I learned that death and life bring out the best, and the worst, in people. I have heard everything from, he was just a baby, to I’m so sorry for your loss, is there anything I can do? I have dealt with accusations which stated I deserved to loose my son, and more.
I have learned that the generosity of people is alive and well. People I see everyday and the people I’ve not met, but want to someday. People who don’t even know me from Eve. Family reaching out to do what they can. Friends stepping up to help.
This year has been about loss, grief, faith and triumph in God alone. This year, I’ve been more honest, more open and more loving than any other year. This year I’ve been more angry, more selfish and more jealous than any other year of my life.
Life is a gift more precious in the face of loss, than at any other time. In loss, you see the truest reflection of who you are. What you believe. What you’re made of. Who you’ll become when distance, and God, have allowed you to remember without tears and the searing pain.
Okay for something fun, I took a poll of sorts. *I’m not vain, but I thought this would be fun. Something I can look back at when I need a mood adjustment, or boost of confidence!*
The poll was, what 5 words would you use to describe me, and you can’t use strong or brave. (you know how I feel about those words! 😛 )
This is what I got:
caring, loving, funny, beautiful, honest, quirky, lovely, feminine, generous, caring, witty, compassionate, optimistic, faithful, adored, forthright, caring, beautiful, amazing, powerful, quick witted, humorous, ingenious, intelligent, wise beyond ur years, loving and friendly, crafty, faithful, gawwwwgeous ;), honest, sweet, and trustworthy!, open and honest, genuine, genuine, sassy, beautiful, loyal, generous, clever, witty, resilient, creative, remarkable, assertive, opinionated (that is positive in my mind), endearing, infectious, free spirited, tenacious, bold, compassionate, gorgeous, inspiring, accepting, generous, straight-forward, kind, talented, strong-willed, delightful, great writer, tough, self-assertive.
Those are the words, verbatim. Well, except for some minor grammar changes!
Now, for some final words. It’s hard to sum up a year full of so much, yet not full. It doesn’t seem extraordinary at all to me…just a year that was…hell…to live through. Nothing special at all. Well, Michael was extra special. I have learned, loved, grown, struggled, and yet lived through it all.
My name is Peggy, I am now a survivor.