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Going through his things…

January 4, 2011

Well…we went through his things. It looks like a baby store threw up in our living room. We can’t get rid of anything, nor do we want to cut anything up to make a quilt like I’d thought we would. Things are being repacked, for future children.

How do you decide what to keep, when everything holds a memory that much closer?  How do you decide what to give away, when it feels like you’re giving away a piece of Mickey…?

We held everything little thing in those 11 boxes. 11 boxes held what is tangibly left of Michael.

Every little stain, from formula, food, drool. My fingers softly rubbing over the stains, remembering how they got there…

Clothing brought to our nose, to catch a scent…if there was one.  Could it be? Or just my imagination…but I think I smelled him again…

Tears pouring down our faces, our hearts aching all over again, never stopping. Heads shaking at the disbelief that still haunts us.

Laughing over something we remember when Michael was wearing that blue soft jacket.

Holding the still dirty socks that once embraced his tiny feet…laughing that we’re still missing one shoe…will we ever find it?

Marveling at the preemie clothing…remembering the NICU…

 

At times it doesn’t seem real that we had a baby…then I look around me now…still surrounded by his things, letting two of his favorite blankets keep my legs warm.

Yes, Michael…you were here…you were real. You weren’t a dream…but I miss you so. I get through the day thinking of you as in a dream…

I miss you…still so terribly much.

Your Daddy misses you more than he tells me as well…

Today our arms held your clothes once again…but you were missing. Your precious, sturdy body wasn’t holding them just so…

Please don’t mind the tears….remember they are because we still love you more than air.

 

Peg & Mommy

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