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Open Dialog

November 22, 2010

Dialog between me and God, through out the last few months or so.

I have carried you through this, why wouldn’t I carry you through that?

But Lord, I really want this, and it’s not happening as fast as I want.

My Beloved, it is not your time for this. Do you trust me?

Yes I trust you…but the desire is so strong, I can’t see past it.

My Child, I see your struggle and long to give you the peace. You know I can give it…

I do know.  But this is so hard to give up…but Michael was too. Help me…I’m so tired of grief, I’m tired of longing for things that wont’ happen. If this isn’t your will, take it from me.

My strength is sufficient for you.  All you have to do is ask, and I will provide.

But I’m asking, and you’re not providing what I want!

It is not time, my Child. I will provide you the strength and peace to endure.

But I don’t want to endure…I want my way. I want my desires. How can what I want be so bad that you won’t give it to me?!

It is not the time for this. I am a God who keeps his promises. I will be there for you. I will love you. I will do what is the best for you, only what is good and perfect. But I will do it in my time. Not yours.

Lord, I love you, but that isn’t acceptable to me right now. I feel like I’m being punished.  I am so angry yet so sad at the same time.

You are not being punished. I know you love me, but because you love me, life is not going to be roses and puppy tails.  Give me your desires, I will not break them. I will hold them in the safety of my hands until the time is right.

But I don’t believe you.  I feel like this wont’ happen again.

Child, remember what I have done already? I have held you so tenderly when you where blind with grief. I have given comfort to a ragged heart. I have soothed the beleaguered soul.  I have grieved with you, held you close while your body was racked with tears, fears and sorrow.  I have been your solid foundaition in this life on earth.

Why then, would I abandon you now? Why then, would I not want the best for you? You say you trust me, so trust me.  Give me your desires. Seek my face and you’ll find me. Seek me, I am here.


I am wary at times of this path I am to walk. Things don’t always seem to make sense. I struggle to be whom God made me to be. My will battles against His all the time, as you can see above.  I am sure of many things about the character of Him. Sure enough to battle, question, seek and weep.  Sure enough to know that I will indeed submit to Him again and again until my will and desires are His.

It’s an ongoing thing. Never ending. But I won’t stop myself from growing closer to God. I desire that peace he alone gives. I long for the hope and joy I know are mine.  I seek Him with every breath.

I am still here, still struggling. But still knowing my God is the only one who can help me, give me what I want.



In His hands,






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