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I prayed for Love and got Anger!

October 29, 2010

Irrational anger. Deep tears. Maniacal laughter.

Is it any wonder I ask if I’m bi-polar?

When Michael died, I let myself get lost online. Everyday. Mostly every waking moment.  It was my escape. My comfort. My encouragement.

It still is.

But.

It has come to my attention, (Thank you Jesus), that I have spent time online which was for Him, for my marriage, my family and my friends. I have been neglecting my responsibilities. How humbling to find out that this thing called internet has become a crutch, an idol, a replacement for that which is most important. God and family.

This is my wake up call. This is where I drop to my knees, (okay maybe slowly, don’t want to hurt them too much!), and seek forgiveness, seek direction and obey my God in Heaven.

The comfort I look for is met by God.

The encouragement I seek comes from God alone.

Seeking these things  in others will only serve to disappoint me at some point. It’s normal, as we’re all humanly selfish to some extent, and of course we don’t always remember the hurting among us. I too am capable of forgetting those who hurt, in my own hurting life. 

So, to go back to the wild emotions in the beginning.  Looking back on them, it can be said they didn’t match the situation. They were too strong and not appropriate. Really out there to be honest. And my poor husband. Please pray for him (me too please!) as he wades through this season with me.  I have prayed for God’s love, and instead seem to break out in anger more often than not. Now, I know that I don’t get hit over the head with His love stick. I know it’s a process, as most things are in a believers life. Learning to not be selfish is a long road, and many times you’re set back more than you seem to making progress forwards. Also in the process I would learn more through hard knocks than instant success. Sometimes though…instant success looks pretty appealing.  (It’s not all it’s cracked up to be, this instant business we’re cultivating in our society, something happens when you work hard to recieve your rewards).

So, I ask you this. What in your life, are you learning about yourself? Is it something worthy, honoring and good? Is it something you want to change? Have you sought God in it?

Blessings, (&peaceful words and feelings!)

Peg

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. Jacki permalink
    October 29, 2010 7:43 am

    Peggy,
    You know the things that I have been through. I am learning to not stack all blame on myself and to allow others to help me. To learn the word, “No” and not feel like Im being selfish.

    I am learning about me in a way I never knew.

    It takes time, but its worth it

    • October 29, 2010 8:00 am

      I do know, my dear Jacki. I pray for you often. It does take time, but if you study the way gems and precious stones are made, it takes time, a refining fire and rest to create a thing of beauty. It is so very worth it to have a Creator perfect His plan in us. ❤ you, my friend.

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