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October: Reflections of Myself

October 27, 2010

As October comes to a close, I find myself in a reflective state.

I planned to write everyday this month, but I didn’t. And although I didn’t, I did make a point to give thanks for something everyday; be it mentally or verbal thanks to someone.

I dreaded this whole month, but in reflection it wasn’t a horrible month. A few bad days here and there, yes. But as a whole, it was a normal month, well our new normal that is.

With every day that passes, I am learning though I may dread, and sometimes fear, a certain day; when said day comes and goes it’s suddenly not as bad as I had expected.  I spend so much time praying for the days which I know think will be hard, that I’m SURE my God in Heaven has eased the burden for me.  Praise indeed.

I have learned much this past month, about my God and myself. If ever you want to watch yourself change and suddenly see past your own pretenses, suffer and live through a tragedy of some sort.  When you are faced with a grief and sorrow so deep, you have no energy to hold up the facade you’ve spent your life erecting. Suddenly, sometimes violently, you are face to face with your raw self.  There is truth in the saying, When disaster strikes, the worst and best come out of people. Everything you’ve ever thought, believed, everything you’ve ever been told becomes crystal clear in a moment.

I was am so selfish, it’s in my nature. Yes, I’m selfish, but I’m forgiven much and should forgiven much in return.

Is my faith only surface deep? No, it runs in my veins and holds fast like a drowning person to a life preserver.

I am in control. HA! Yes, lovely thought, but not true! I can only ‘control’ my reactions to circumstances. What a humbling thought.

I can handle anything! Half true, as long as I have God, I have His strength. Otherwise, I’m a puddle of Peg on the floor!

I always make good choices. I laugh at this one, as you might be too. Really, I do make good ones, but mostly make bad ones.

I’m not a real loving person. It’s a bit shocking to learn how deep and far my love can go.

I have a tough heart. I do believe, that heart is now mushy and tender to those around me.

I’m not worthy of much. I am worthy of God’s love, affections and justice. If that’s all I’m worthy of, I’m well off.

Yes, indeed, I have had some misconceptions which were dealt with quite rapidly.

As we close in on the holiday season with every passing day, people start focusing on gifts, gather and good food company.  I was talking with my mother the other day about what I wanted, or rather didn’t want. I’m okay with not getting anything this Christmas. Truly, I have much, gained much and learned much this year.  Truly my cup overflows. Yes I have lost much, but in that losing, I have gained. I continue to gain, everyday.  I’m not perfect, I have moments, days and weeks where I’m not in a thankful mood, I’m not willing to accept the gain for Michael’s loss.  Moments in which I long for things to be different. Moments I wish my life went a different direction. I am not perfect, I am not always so grateful. I have moments where I’m ashamed of my actions, my words.

But I confident of my God. I am sure of His righteousness and justice and love.  I am stead in my faith and conviction of Him.

Like so many have said before me, Being called His own doesn’t exclude me from all pain, all suffering or all grief.  In fact, I count myself among the many others who’ve gone before me, with all they have lost.

Philippians 1:21

21 For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain.

I challenge you to look at each trial, each bump in the road as a gift. A gift to learn from, to grow from and to give from. Only you can control your reactions and actions. Everyday is a choice and a gift. Bless wisely, my beloved.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. Jacki permalink
    October 27, 2010 8:14 am

    How beautiful is this. ❤ you Peggy and I'm glad to see you back

  2. Kay Prater permalink
    October 27, 2010 9:13 am

    Can a mom say – such a beautiful child? Yeah! I can because she is who she is because God is making her His child. In spite of everything I may have done to mess up in raising her – He has touched her and she has responded. That is all I ever asked – to have a child who walks with God.

    • October 29, 2010 7:40 am

      Thank you for being who God asked you to be. Thank you for your continued help, encouragement and love. What more can a daughter ask for? I thank God for you many times, Mom.

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