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I’m back…sorta…maybe?

October 17, 2010


It’s been an interesting few days for me. I’m not sure how to explain them, to myself, let alone ya’ll!

Now that I’m past Michael’s 1st birthday, in retrospect, it didn’t seem like the mountain I first thought it would be.  But then again, maybe it was. Life still has a funny way of being hazy and not fully remembered.

Last night at church, we sat behind a woman and her infant son. He was 6 months old. Instead of feeling hurt and pain in my heart, I couldn’t peel my eyes off of him. He was just too cute. He was flirting with the girls, and staring at my hubby in his uniform. He would smile and talk to the pastor as well.  He was such a tiny little boy, wondered if he was premature. Found out he wasn’t. He got so vocal, she had a leave a few times. His giggle was priceless.

My arms ached to hold him…but I remember thinking awhile after losing Michael, that I wouldn’t hold another baby, until I’d held ours first. Which isn’t completely logical. But there you have it.  The last baby I held was our beautiful wonderful son, lifeless. The next I hold should be ours again. Full of life and vibrant. Logical or illogical, I care not.

Today, it’s been stormy. Again, I think of what Michael would have thought of the storms here in Arizona.

I also have decided that I’m going to re-purpose my two 50 gallon totes into planter gardens.  So this week, we’ll be looking at what we need to get. I would love to have a yellow rose bush. I miss having one. It reminds me of my Grandpa. When he passed away, the only rose bush in bloom at the time, was a yellow one, and only one bloom. I still have it between a few pages in my Grandmas Bible.  Now, I will remember Michael as well. I also want something evergreen. Something always green and bright. Full of life. To remember my hope.

Ugh, even in the face of my lofty ambitions, I did NOT tackle my spare room.  If you would like to come over, and deal with it for me, I’d love your forever. Seriously. I think I have a mental block to it. I could probe deep and think maybe, it’s because it SHOULD be Michaels room. It should be a toddlers fun room, with toys and playful sounds ringing daily.  But in truth, I think I’m just lazy. I am procrastinating.

As much as I seem okay, I know full well, I’m hiding by being online so much. I’m avoiding things that need to be done. Things that need to be taken care of. Things that I can’t hide nor run from…

Well…theres my random rambles for today.

Today, I’m SO thankful for my moments of happiness and joy.

Oh, and please take a moment to hold your loved ones close;  breath deeply of the unexplainable feelings and emotions you feel for them.  They don’t diminish with death, but become much more poignant, focused and pure.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. Kaleigh permalink
    October 18, 2010 8:07 am

    Just wanted to let you know, after my miscarriage, I played World of Warcraft 40 hours a week for like 2 months. It was just so much easier to deal with a world that gave me a quest and I finished it. The people there didn’t care that I hadn’t had the energy to shower in 3 days. Or that I’d been smoking again because if there was no baby inside me, there was no reason to live. They didn’t care if I drank a whole bottle of wine and couldn’t type my own name anymore. It was such a release to get away from my real life and escape into another world so I understand the being on line and such.

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