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Book? Blog? Is it worthy enough?

September 5, 2010

Going through my blog, preparing it to publish, it’s a monumental task.

Going through it, I relive it. So many things I hoped for, wished for.  They come back in a rush, as I read my own words.  At times I’m completely taken aback by the beauty that comes from death. The Phoenix from the Ashes, as it were.

This book making thing, it’s a slow process. So many things to think about, what do I want to include, take out, add too?  It’s always changing.

I just wish I had a different reason to publish a book. I’ve always wanted to write, to write a book. To have people enjoy my writing. Just not like this. How can this be enjoyment? It’s a tragedy, not a lite read. And how many people actually read this, I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m just sending this stuff out into the empty space that is the blogger world.

Today, I sit here with Finian, (my constant companion kitty), and wonder what life would be like for me right now, this moment, if Michael were still here? I wouldn’t be sitting, I’m sure of it. This torture should stop, but I can’t help but to indulge it from time to time.  It seems like it’s normal, at the very least, it’s my normal.

I’m babbling. I don’t know what to say. I guess I just feel that with as much as I desire to publish a book, it intimidates me. I don’t want to mess it up, I don’t want to give an inferior product. I want to inspire people, and not just publish the dark side of grief.  But right now, I’m still in the dark side. I can see the light that’s distant from me. It lights my path little by little, but as of right now, I’m still in the thick of it.

Ugh…I need to stop now…

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