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What’s On YOUR Mind?

August 25, 2010

It’s amazing what the mind does for us. If you really sit and thing about it, think just about the brain and it’s functions. It operates our body’s, organs, breathing, computes colors, sounds, smells, tastes, touch, it separates the logic from the imagination, and on and on I can go with this.

My recent ‘epiphany’ was in the way the brain helps us to deal with tragedies, or when life seems to just piss in my Wheaties all year long. Children, who have experienced a horrific event in their youth, grow up without really remembering the details, and this has been attributed to the brain, blocking out the horror of horrors, to protect the mind from going into outer space.  In my case, it isn’t really blocked per say, more like…packed into a box, tucked away in a closet, in the back of my mind. Somehow or other, that box keeps landing on my proverbial desk, where I come face to face with the nightmare that is my life. Other times, my brain shields me from the full reality of it, giving me small doses of pain, instead of the whole shebang.

I also know, that a HUGE part of this protect is from God’s own hand. I’m thankful for it. No, I am not pain free, I live in a state of numbness. I am aware of Michael being gone, but live in a state of frozen dreams….a half life really. I’ve become ‘comfortable’ in my pain. It’s like those favorite pair of socks you pull on at the first hint of Autumn. The ones you don’t want to take off at the end of the season, because they’ve become so identifiable with you. I just wonder, does living in a state of numbness, really mean your living? Or am I just here…because I can’t be there? Yet.

A friend of mine, whose also lost her precious baby, and I are going through what should not be happening to us.  When things like this happen, there are NO words to express the sorrow, or sadness people feel, and while they try to find the words in their loss of innocence, we (the grieving parent) are just trying to remember to breath, (thankfully the brain does that job quite well without us!).  Even as a baby-lost mom myself, when this friend lost her son, I couldn’t fully express my deep sorrow, and deep feeling of injustice to her.  The desire to reach through the computer screen, just for a single moment, to hold her as she cried, was so strong, if Scottie was there, he’d have beamed me up. While my heart was broken for my own loss, it broke in a different way with hers. I knew what she would be facing, and knowing that pain, is harder than not knowing it. Although, sometimes my imagination can pretty TOO good.

Again, the brain settles this haze around Michael’s memory, to preserve it, to hold it intact, to buffer me from the full effects of the loss. How can I not be thankful for it? How can I not say a small thanks to God for this…

With another friend, we were talking about our losses, she lost her son as well, she said a statement that at the time, spoke to me. She said that she would never accept the loss of her child, the death of him. I agreed with her then, and am beginning to not now. I think, as will many things, there is acceptance, and then there’s acceptance. While the fact that Michael was entirely too young to die will always make his death unacceptable to me, I DO have to accept and acknowledge that he IS gone. I DO have to accept that God has a plan, of which I know not of. I DO have to accept life as it is now, and try to find the happiness, the goodness, and the hope in life again. I can not go back in time to change what has happened. I can only live in today, taking it one day, one hour, one minute at a time, until the Lord takes me home, (may it please go fast, so I can see my son again!).

2 Comments leave one →
  1. De'Dee Brown permalink
    August 25, 2010 12:21 pm

    glad to hear you are… dancing sometimes fast and sometimes slow thru this sad, disappointing, frustrating experience. Grief can be so daunting and random. At this moment I can understand … wanting it to go quickly… life goes so fast… in a blink really… in days to come you will be wishing for just a little more time. God bless you as you keep doing this line dance or waltz or maybe the polka or …

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