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So blah…

August 20, 2010

Today is just a day, 24 more hours without Michael. While I struggle to find my way through life without him, I have moments of happiness. But they are fleeting. I spend my time, filling up the hours so I don’t have to think.  But if you know me, I’m always thinking. Must be why I have a hard time sleeping, the brain doesn’t like to stop all that activity. Usually I have several things I’m thinking about, not just one. Kinda like a big clock with huge ol’ wheels, that turn this way and that, and switch places to do that task, and on.  Really, it’s just annoying.

All I can think is, why am I still breathing, when the biggest tragedy has fallen into my lap?  Surely, such an event as this would cause me to stop, stop thinking, stop moving, stop loving life, and eventually, stop living.   Surely, this horrible loss of my son would cause the earth to stop spinning, and life as I knew it to stop, no more minutes tick, no more hour go by, and the day stands still…Is this how God felt, when His son died that day on the cross? If His son got the  day to stand still, why can’t mine? But that’s different…for another blog.  Surely, surely, surely, (I am serious, and DON’T call me Surely!) this all just can’t be moving on? If my will alone could stop life, it would have that day in the hospital.

Today, a mother walked by me in the store, in her cart, was a young boy, blue eyed, chubby cheeks, in the car seat, but older than Michael would have been…and he looked at me, with a serious face.  I couldn’t keep looking, he reminded me SO much of Michael. He would stare at me, like he was trying to figure me out, or understand my features.   A part of me wonders, was he trying to memorize me, for the short time we’d be apart? I don’t know. I know I looked into his face a LOT, I couldn’t stop. He was so handsome, so beautiful, (Yes, Husband, our son was beautiful! I can use the word for a boy!!!! LOL) so impish. So full of life.

I just turned my head to the floor, and kept walking…fighting to hold back tears and my emotions. Why? I have NO idea…but that I don’t like to show emotions in public…at that time, I wished I had something at home to drink. Something strong…just to numb myself from the pain. I can only ‘ignore’ it for so long. But you can’t ignore this, no matter what is said or done, there IS NOT A CHANCE OF BEING ABLE TO IGNORE this loss.  I wanted to just wallow if self-pity, drown myself in depression, or anger…

Welcome to my life now…it sucks, hope you enjoy the show! Refreshments will be passed out during the feature, along with ThisSUKS Tea, LottaCrap Coffee, Numbing Potion #9 Beer (special reserve tap) and Whats My Name Again wine, cir 3-11-10.  The food part of the refreshments will be provided by a catering business called, Death Is Our Specialty For Your Enjoyment.

Oui, don’t ask…I don’t know the point of that. Just those silly random thoughts of mine again!

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