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Really?

August 20, 2010

I’ve noticed that my humor has a dark side now, a morbidity that some might not find all that funny. Well let me tell you, sometimes, I don’t find it that funny either, but it is a thought that has gone through my head.  I don’t know how to edit myself these days, because if I do edit myself, am I not allowing myself the emotions that come?  Where does the editing become censoring? Yadda Yadda Yadda…

See what I have to deal with?! I think TOO MUCH!

The dark side of losing a child, means you really do get jealous of every single mother who has a living child in their arms. You really do get angry that they have their child, and you don’t. Then, the shame washes over you, because as much pain as you are feeling, you do NOT want another mother going through this living hell…no one deserves this…no one asks for this, no one wants this…and 90% of the time, no mother could have prevented this…

Oh yeah, and another thing, only two months, well, less than two months now, are left until what would have been Michael’s 1st birthday.  Just thinking of that brings so soo soooo much grief and pain, it’s suffocating me.  I just want to sleep the whole month of October…I have never really liked October, never been a fan of Halloween, then Michael was born in October. I thought that the month would be fun, Autumn birthdays, ringing in my favorite season, Winter, I’m a nutt, I know. Now…it really will be a hellish month for me, without fail. I want to do something to remember Michael. I can’t really celebrate it like a birthday, since he isn’t getting older…but I want to mark the day somehow, in a way that will continue on every year.  Still not entirely sure what I want…but I’m pretty damn sure it’s going to be one of the hardest days of the year.

So many dreams not fulfilled…things I didn’t think I’d been hoping for, and they smack me in the face every time I’m not prepared.

Mom, I guess I’m learning the poker face, although in a different way that we both imagined…

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7 Comments leave one →
  1. Kay permalink
    August 20, 2010 6:34 pm

    You are right dear. It is not the way I wanted you to learn to have a poker face.

  2. Becky James permalink
    August 20, 2010 6:57 pm

    I’m sorry, hon. I’m sorry you feel this way. I can relate to the “dark humor.” I went through that after my mom’s ex sexually assaulted me. And I too learned the pokerface, so as not to let him see my pain in the three trials I had to endure to keep him put away. Hang in there, hon. If I come across some ideas to mark his day, I will get a hold of you.

    • August 20, 2010 7:05 pm

      Thank you, Becky.

      • Becky James permalink
        August 20, 2010 9:07 pm

        You’re welcome. I wish there was a way I could help ease your pain. I know I never hurt the same way you have, but I do relate in a small way, and I’m here if you need something to scream at, or someone to listen.

  3. Nicole permalink
    August 20, 2010 7:19 pm

    I would find a place I found to be the most desolate, private place where I could hear the wind blowing… have his ashes and sit all day crying. I dream of sitting in a cemetery on top of a forgotten grave crying alone missing what could have been…

    • August 20, 2010 7:44 pm

      I just want to hold him…to feel his body on my arms, his arms around my neck…somehow, holding a urn doesn’t make it right…*sigh* But I know how you feel! I’ve had those thoughts too…

  4. carolyn permalink
    August 22, 2010 12:21 am

    i would maybe have a get together with family and friends. A nice dinner and then do some kind of fundraiser or something for SIDS RESEARCH CHARITIES. I think that would be a great way to remember him. And for a good cause. Just an idea.

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