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My soul refuses comfort.

August 6, 2010

Psalm 77:1-3

1 I cried out to God for help;
I cried out to God to hear me.

2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
at night I stretched out untiring hands
and my soul refused to be comforted.

3 I remembered you, O God, and I groaned;
I mused, and my spirit grew faint.

I am wary.

I am tired.

I am broken.

This cross is too much to bare, it’s too heavy for my weak body. I seek answers from You all day and all night, I groan with the pain of grief and sorrow, no end can I see. I reach for You, and push You away with the same hand.

Oh have mercy on me, God…I am fighting against this choice.  I know one day, somehow I will let go.  That day will be hard…until then, I mourn. I cry. I grieve my loss.

I am lost in a sea of dark grief, but I surrounded by a light from You. Thank you

2 Comments leave one →
  1. August 7, 2010 3:57 pm

    Dear Peggy,
    I am another mom who lost a son too soon. I am so sorry that you have had to say good-bye, for now, to your boy Mickey!
    I compare losing a child to having a limb amputated. Tha pain is excrutiating at first, and you don’t know how you will ever bear it.
    While we will never be the same, the pain gradually becomes less sharp and intense. We learn to cope, to work around the missing part of us somehow, and to do things differently. We are different, but hopefully stronger and more compassionate, people.
    One day, you will smile at a memory without dissolving into tears. It will happen, I promise.
    Until then, the only way through is one day, one hour, sometimes even one minute at a time — because the only way is through.
    We will never, ever stop missing our children, but there is a time when we stop being in agony continually. Your loss is still quite fresh. One year is not long when mourning a child.
    Never let anyone tell you how to mourn, or how long to mourn, or when you should be back to “normal.” We have a new normal now, and people who have never been through this horrible experience can’t begin to understand what that means.
    As for faith…while it is difficult, even impossible to understand why such a thing could happen, why God could have allowed it to happen, there is so much He knows that we can never know. Our children are safe, healthy, and happy, and we will see them again someday. Hanging on to that belief is our best hope in getting through this life,
    As I told my son, “In heaven’s time, I will be with you in no time at all.” They are not missing us in the way that we are missing them. They will barely realize that we aren’t there before we are there.
    You are making a huge step forward in trying to reach out to others who are suffering as well. That is one way to try to make sense of it all, to bring some meaning to our losses. It helps us to heal, and to live in a way our children would want for us to live, and find that God still has a purpose for us in this world.
    Ultimately, the best thing I can do as a sister in sorrow and in faith, is to reassure you again that the pain will eventually be less intense, and life will become liveable, and yes, even contain happiness, again, hard as it is to imagine now. It is 6 1/2 years since my son left us, and every year has brought improvement and growth, even when I didn’t realize it at the time.

    • August 8, 2010 7:46 am

      Thank you. I look at it like losing a limb as well, or a wound that doesn’t heal well. I am very blessed to know where Michael is, to know he’s in Heaven, safe and healthy. I know that if God told me why Michael isn’t here, I still wouldn’t be happy about it…
      Again, thank you…

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