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Dear God, We meet again…

August 6, 2010

…on this lonely, rocky road. What do I say, when I have seen that my words don’t produce what I want the most in this world? What CAN I say, that would change Your mind…nothing I know. For whatever Your purpose is for me, this is the path, this is the cross, this is the journey I must live.  I know the yearning to have this cup taken from me, to pray for release from our covenant to each other. I know the desire to just drown the pain away, so lesson the sharp and searing quality to it.

In the Bible there are so many of Your people who suffered the loss of children, and the reactions varied.  I wish I could be like David, who mourned for his son, while his son was dying, in the hopes that You would hear him and save him, then after the son passed into Your arms, David got up, washed himself and mourned no more, because it wouldn’t change anything, that his son was with You.  I would really like to know how David did that!

Or Job, who lost everything, wife, children, land, crops, animals, servants, home and finally his health, and yet STILL managed to make it through, and receive many blessings from You.   What was his ‘secret’?

You called on Abram to sacrifice his son to You, for Abrams obedience.  This is hard to reconcile to Your loving manner and promises. This doesn’t help me to envision You as being the caring Father, Just God or Righteous King that You call your own self.

I know these men turned to You, had a deep faith in You, trusted in You and Your wisdom. You show Yourself as being a faithful God, never forgetting Your promises to Your children…

But really…Why can’t You share some of your wisdom with me, an give me a small idea of why Michael was chosen? Why I was chosen?

I bet my head against Your door, and I know You have opened it…I guess now I’m beating my head against Your chest, in a vain attempt to understand, to reconcile myself with this.  To trust you with this. How do I trust You with it, how can I give it to You, when I can’t let go? When I am so afraid of letting go?

You are my God, You are my Rock and my Strength. Even through the questions, the anger, the bitterness, I still know that You are there, You hear me, You are holding me. Forgive me if I can’t see it, hear it or acknowledge it right now.

You are so much bigger than I am, than my own little life, but my life is ALL I see, and instead of joy over the milestones, I have bitterness that I can’t see them with Michael. Instead of learning what motherhood is about, I’m learning the terrible taste of separation, death and grief.  Instead of hearing Michael speak, I hear myself crying.  Instead of seeing his face look more and more like his daddy’s, I see the grief in my husbands.  This is NOT fair.   This is NOT just. I can’t see the fairness, or the just in this for me. In my eyes I have not done anything to warrant this.

Then I remember, sin is in the world.  Therefore the world is not just, the world is not fair, the world is not You. But You are in this world, and I guess I just wish You could make things good for Your servants all the time, that no sinful thing would touch me. I am yearning for Heaven, that’s what I’m yearning for.  Sometimes I wish the freewill You gave us, wouldn’t allow us to suffer for sins that have been around for generations…

I am asking for a lot, and expect no answers. If You haven’t answered me now as to the why’s…I won’t get them until I pass to You.

Oh yeah, and sometimes I do get answers, but really, they are NOT what I want(ed) to hear, God! 😉

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