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What Happened March 11, 2010

July 28, 2010

I realize I haven’t spoken much of the actual day that Michael died.  I know that there are many minutes that I don’t remember or are to hazy to recall. This is what I do remember what I went through.

The morning was normal, Michael woke up around 5:15isham, and we hung out, like we ALWAYS did in the morning, just the two of us.  He would eat about 2 hours later, and go to sleep, giving me enough time to get ready for work, get my lunch ready, hair done, etc, then he’d wake up again, to eat. I would usually wake Wayne up to take over this bottle, since I had to go to work.  Fast forward about 3-4 hours…and our world changed.  I was out, learning how to drive the facilities van, when my co-worker got a call from my boss. She said I needed to go to the hospital, something to do with Michael. I didn’t worry, I didn’t think anything of it. I was dropped off in the waiting room of the ER. I went to the desk to find out what room my son was in, was told he wasn’t here yet. I sat down…about ten minutes later, a lady came out to get me, and take me into the small family chapel. This is the first time I realized something was REALLY wrong, but I still felt like it wasn’t bad too…if that makes sense. They wouldn’t really tell me anything, but that Michael was being brought here in an ambulance. A nurse came in sometime later, (my sense of time wasn’t there at this point, seemed like slow motion, but really fast too, I didn’t feel time moving) to tell me that CPR was being performed on Michael, and had been for awhile. She told me that generally, that wasn’t a good sign. I know i responded to her, but what i remember thinking was, okay…so he might be disabled then, thats okay, as long as he’s okay.   She left.  My boss showed up sometime next, and was with me for a long time after that.  My mother in law came in as well, but I don’t remember much…until the nurse came in again, telling me Michael was in the ER, they were working on him still, and would I like to go see him. I said yes…my boss came with me. I remember the hospital hall looking soooo long, so empty. I get to the curtained off area they have him in, and she told me that there where wires, tubes, everywhere, and they were intibating him, manually. As they opened the curtains, my boss held me tighter…if she wasn’t there, I would have ended up on the floor. There were so many people around the gurney…all were desperately, vainly, working on Michael to bring him back.  The looks on their faces told me the truth. He wasn’t coming back. He was already dead.  I went to the head, where they had him…his eyes were closed, he was striped, he had so many things in him, around him…all I could hold was his hand…he was so blue…so grey…so gone.  I whispered to my boss, he is already in heaven…he isn’t here. After I said that, I couldn’t stay in there anymore. I had to leave. I was taken out of the room, and saw the firemen, the EMT’s and the ER nurses and doctors…standing there…crying their eyes out, so sad for me, for us.  I closed my eyes, and turned my head. Somehow I ended up back the in the family room, which was now filled with Michael attended doctor, and nurses. They told me that there was nothing more they could do for Michael. He was dead. I looked at the time. It was 1:03pm. I had gotten to the hospital at 11:40ish.  I nodded my head at the doctor, and told him thank you for doing everything they could…he started to cry, and said he wished he could have done more, then he left. The nurses hugged me, saying the same, and left as well. The head nurse told me I could go sit with Michael now, he was unhooked from everything…Back into the room again with him, they had placed a rocking chair beside the bed, they had swaddled him and he looked so peaceful, so like he’d wake up with that big fat smile of his.  They had me sit, and when they placed him into my arms again, I broke. I shattered. Until that exact moment, I had not cried. Holding his body in my arms, I wailed.  I was told that every single person in the ER heard me.  All I remember is burying my head in his small body, and weeping with every fiber of my being. Time passed…Don’t know how long. I kept asking where my husband was…kept being told that he was being ‘questioned’ by the detectives.  The room seemed to fill, then taper off with people, hospital staff, pastors, family, firemen, EMT’s…until finally I was told Wayne had just walked in. I looked around for him, and he came through the curtain, looked right at me, and hesitated. (found out later, he thought I would blame him) I reached out to him, and he came to as fast as he could and buries his face into mine, and Michael’s body. We just held each other for a time, weeping. telling each other, I love you, I’m sorry, Why.  we spoke to Michael, we love you, we’re sorry, why?  A chair was produced for Wayne, and our pastors came, and talked to us, my parents, his mom.  The nurses took a lock of Michaels hair and his hand and foot prints, put it into a special box for us.  My mother told me to let Wayne hold Michael…but I didn’t give him up until the police detectives asked to speak with me.  I had a hard time letting go…but I could only give him to Wayne…no one else.  After speaking to the detective, I went back to the room, sat next to my grieving husband and held them both. We were told we’d have to let the hospital know who was going to take care of Michaels body, and asked if we wanted an autopsy (was going to be done anyways, since they suspected guilt). Most of the rest of the time is really a blur, I do remember that the damn detectives AGAIN, questioned my husband for another 45mins.  We left the hospital at about 6pm that night…went to his mothers house (my aunt in law and her family came up to be with us in the hospital, same aunt who lost her son, named Michael, our Michael’s namesake)  We just sat…and stared…not knowing what to do…we ate a few bits and left to go to my parents. My husband and father went with Aunt in law, and my mother and I went to our apartment…walking into that apartment was extremely difficult. I couldn’t breath for crying, I just threw some clothes into a bag, I saw Michaels things everywhere, his clothes a dirty diaper, toys, his favortie blanket, an empty bottle (as the police took all his food, and meds) I remember looking into his room, seeing the crib stripped of everything but the frame…and sobbed. I had to leave…we would do with what ever clothes I’d grabbed. That night we didn’t sleep…we just cried, and held each other…numb to some extent.  totally lost.

that is what i remember from the day…I know there was more that happened, but i cant’ remember it myself, I’m told about what happened. 

*We did everything we ‘weren’t’ supposed to do, he slept belly down on a boppy pillow, with stuffed animal close by, blankets to cuddle with. He even had a pacifier.*

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18 Comments leave one →
  1. Tiffany kaucher permalink
    July 28, 2010 8:47 pm

    It took me a full two years to share my story. I just can’t stop my tears after reading yours. Thank you for sharing. If u are interested in reading mine just let me know and I will message it to you. I too did it wrong 😦

  2. Tanya Brasher permalink
    July 28, 2010 8:52 pm

    I am so sorry you had to go through that. As i sit here bawling all I can do is pray for you two. You are so strong to be able sit and type your story. My heart goes out to you and Wayne. I had a sister that died of SIDS before I was born. I can only imagine my moms story would be similar. She never has told me her story. May God our loving Father continue to give you two strength and embrace you in his arms. May you have peace that surpasses all understanding and comfort in knowing Michael is in heaven with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

  3. Kristen permalink
    July 28, 2010 11:33 pm

    Peggy…thank you soo much for sharing this. How aweful that the police put your hubby through soo much, it must have been soo hard and soo sad for him to find him. Your loss is incredible, I wish I could erase it and bring him back for you. Youve had to live through every mothers worst fear and I wish I could take it all away. i wish with ALL my heart NO mother EVER knew this pain.

    Tiffany…if its ok, can I read your story too?

    • TIFFANY permalink
      July 29, 2010 10:13 am

      Of course! I am friends with Peggy on FB so i can message her my story but not sure how to get it to you? My email is tkaugher3@yahoo.com if you want to send me a quick email I will gladly send u my story.

  4. Mariah permalink
    August 2, 2010 12:17 pm

    Peggy, I’m so sorry :*( Please know that I think of you every day. I cry for you often and of course I have always loved my son with every ounce of my being, but because of Michael, I hold him extra close and extra long. I always will.

  5. carolyn permalink
    August 3, 2010 7:55 pm

    i would love to read your story too tiffany. So sorry peggy. Thank you for sharing. My heart still breaks for you.

  6. Teri permalink
    August 8, 2010 4:27 pm

    Peggy, my heart breaks for you. All I can say is that I’m so sorry for your loss and I know that does nothing for you but you, Michael, and Wayne are in my heart and my prayers.

  7. LMOREAU permalink
    September 8, 2010 5:26 pm

    PEGGY! As I read this in tears, it reminded me of the day that my best friend Megan lost her Tommy Dale 10 years ago. I learned of Michael’s passing through our WTE friends. I was deeply saddened and wanted so much to do something for you. You are touching and helping so many. Thank you for sharing your story… We love you

    • September 8, 2010 5:39 pm

      Thank you for reading it. In some way, having his story out there, it being read and talked about, makes him real. It also helps me to be able to speak his name in an environment where no judgment is passed.

  8. Kmfmem permalink
    October 13, 2010 5:46 am

    Peggy your story was sent to me by another Sids mommy. Your story breaks my heart. I just like you lost my baby boy Joseph to Sids on August 4, 2008. It amazes me how close a lot of our stories are. I sit here in tears flashing back to the day I lost my baby boy. I have also posted my story http://www.naylenshope.com/joeyfanton.html . Ignore the dates on the title as they are wrong. The lady that posted it put the wrong dates. He was born May 21, 2008 and passed on August 4, 2008. My heart goes out to you and know that someday we will get to hold our babies again. Love and hugs to you and your family.

    Mary – Mommy to an angel

    • October 13, 2010 8:52 am

      Mary, I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s a beautiful longed for day, in which to hold our precious ones again. Missing Joseph and Michael today.

      • Kmfmem permalink
        October 13, 2010 10:22 am

        Not sure if you have ever been on http://www.dailystrength.org but there is a wonderful group of women and a few men in the SIDS group. They have been my support group through this horrible tragedy. Also after Joey passed we did a benefit and donated all the proceeds to the CJ Foundation for kids. I just noticed you had them on this site as well.

  9. Melissa Sasada permalink
    January 12, 2011 5:53 pm

    I dont know how you were able to tell that story. I still havent wrote mine. I remember the night well though. luckily detectives didnt bother us to much that night however we were called to the detectives office on christmas eve 9 days later. i wasnt able to hold her when we went into the room. i didnt touch her. i regret that now but i just couldnt i felt like if i touched her it was real. i cant bear to think of it now. i am so sorry

    • January 13, 2011 11:13 am

      I don’t know how I did either. I just closed my eyes and typed through the tears. I didn’t even edit it, just hit post and there you go. I still can’t read it fully. I’m glad I got to hold Michael…I can’t imagine not being able to do so. ❤ I'm sorry for you as well Hon.

  10. Tina permalink
    January 15, 2011 8:09 am

    I am so so sorry. SIDS was always a huge fear of mine with my boys. I can’t even imagine. Thank you for sharing your story. My heart goes out to you and your husband.

    • January 15, 2011 10:27 am

      Thank you. It wasn’t even really a blip in our radar. Now it is. ❤

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