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Missing Him

July 21, 2010

Of course, I’m talking about Michael.

I miss his sweet little giggles…the way he would grin suddenly and look at me like I was crazy.

I miss seeing him drool on his hand, or anything else close to his mouth.

I wonder why this has happened…it just doesn’t make sense. I wish is was just a nightmare, or that I was old and on my deathbed already…

I am starting to dream about Michael…seeing him do things that he didn’t/doesn’t get to do…crawl, walk, run, play, talk, eat solids, swim, see new things…

I wake up with his voice ringing in my ears…the memory of his arms around my neck, the sensation of his hug still imprinted on my chest.

I cry for the things I’ll never know with him, never know about him…never see with him.

He was so handsome…so cheeky…so sweet, so cuddly.

I miss you Michael, as always. I don’t understand why this happen, why you’re not here with us. Nothing seems to be ‘right’ anymore, since you’re not with us.  I see things i wanted to show you, and I can’t look at them anymore. I see other mothers with their children, and envy them…and yes, at times, I’m jealous of them too.  I see your daddy with other children, and know that he should be playing with you, not them…not that they are bad, just that they aren’t you. I see his pleasure in playing with little ones, and know he would give anything to have you to play with…

Seeing that breaks my broken heart all over again…so hard to see, and be forced to live through…

Mostly, we just wish you were here with us, where you belong.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. Donna Tate permalink
    July 21, 2010 5:45 pm

    May God wrap his arms around you and bring you comfort and strength every day. You’re always in my thoughts and prayers.

  2. July 25, 2010 2:12 pm

    Reading your blog helps me understand your pain, and whats in your heart, and what someone forced to deal with the worst possible fate, feels. I have felt grief and loss, I have lost babies in miscarriage…even after 5 months twice. Of course NONE of this comes even CLOSE to what youve gone through. But I used to look at people with babies and hate them, especially when they had daughters, because the two I lost later in pregnancy were girls. I had so many miscarriages I felt like my womb was a tomb. The pain doesnt compare, but on a small level I can relate and magnify by 1000, and hurt soo badly for you. I get the resentment, I couldnt be friends with people that had babies or were pregnant. I dont know if you go through any of this, it took me soo many years to get through it, and no matter how much I think Ive dealt with it, sometimes it hits me harder than others and I go spiraling down the path of pain again, and it just hurts. Im soo sorry for all youre going through. I wish you never had to feel any of it.

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