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Ugly & Dark: Honesty about Grief

July 16, 2010

Grief is not pretty. It has an ugly side. I will not hide that side of grief, from myself nor you. I do not readily accept the words spoken to me about how there is a reason/purpose, there is something to be learned.  All  I have learned is how bitter life can be, how dark grief and sorrow can get.  Hope has not shown grace be being mine.

I may speak of death, anger, suicide, grief and sorrow. But one thing I will never do is cause my parents this horrid, deep, intense pain of losing a child. Nor will I cause my husband to suffer more than he has already. But, I will be honest, I have thought of joining Michael. I think so much about going to him, leaving this pain and holding him tight. I struggle with so many things, and dark thoughts are only natural.

A mother’s instinct is to be with her child, and I have found that it doesn’t change with death…in fact is makes it more poignant and sharp.  Grief becomes part of a person’s identity. They…I…have to learn a new why to be in this world. No one can walk the same path, but many have walked a few steps next to me. A brief glimpse is what they get, but never a true or full understanding or taste of the depth and breathe of my grief walk.

I try to get through a moment without thinking of Michael, just to have a small break from the pain. I don’t want to stop thinking of him…in fact, I can’t.  But sometimes the pain is so intense, so big, I can’t breath or see beyond it.

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