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Grief: It’s EXHASTING!

July 13, 2010

It goes beyond ‘just’ the physical, it covers the mental, emotional and spiritual as well.  It begins each morning, each day you’re reminded and have to say goodbye again. Each day, you feel like your starting over with Grief…and you hope one day to leave grief a little farther behind.

Each day is a struggle with what is right and fair in my world. Trying to redefine what is Peggy. Who am I?  What do I believe?

Being angry with God is normal, blaming Him is understandable. Looking to Him for answers is what I’m supposed to do. But what do I do when He doesn’t answer me? I’m supposed to wait on Him, but when there is no answer the waiting is beyond horrible.

Every breath is a struggle. I pray between each breath that the pain subsides enough to take in one more breath. With each breath I am reminded of what I have lost. Each breath takes me further from Michael, makes the memories fade just a little more.

Daily, I am angry at being a childless mother, to wonder what Michael would be doing. I am mad that it is so unfair to have lost my son.

I see other mothers and pray they know how truly they are blessed.  When I see a mother who isn’t taking their child and the love, I get mad. Here is a mother who doesn’t know what she has & here am I, I don’t have what my heart & soul long for. The injustice of it makes me angry…and hurt.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Them: “How are you?”

Me: “My whole world is shattered, and you?”

“I am beyond depressed, and you?”

” I have a hole where Michael should be…”

“I’m here, but dont want to be. I feel like I have to monitor my words     around others.”

Those dreaded words that are so automatic, but can bring some much pain.

I will never be the same, I have changed and only God knows who I’ll be when I get to other side.

I just want to curl up in bed, hold the Mickey Mouse that was Michaels, and just break down…
Michael, I miss you. Today you would have been 9 months old. You would be crawling, babbling, cranky and toothy, by all accounts. Instead, you are in Heaven.  Walking in your new body, talking to God.

Forgive me if I am not too happy about that.

Forgive me if I wish you were here with me, and not in the presence of God.

Forgive me if I wanted to be the one who got to know you.

Forgive me if I wish you where here, or I was there…

Forgive me…if i wanted to be your mother for longer than 4 months, 29 days & 13 hours….it just wasn’t enough for me.




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