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Can’t contain it anymore…

July 9, 2010

Do you ever feel like your body would rip apart for the intensity of the emotions you feel?  I feel like I’m going crazy again…even with medications, I feel like I’ve lost control, lost my will. I wonder how I’m supposed to handle this…

I look at how I’ve made it this far, and wonder why I’m regressing.

I also wonder if I was just numb, avoiding it, ignoring it, or something…

Not that I could EVER ignore that Michael is no longer with me…

Someone asked me what my triggers are, and I have no idea what they are…

Everything seems to trigger an emotion from me…

I feel like people are looking at me like I’m a bomb ready to go off at any moment…

Maybe I am…

For small moments during the day, I am able to be distracted…

But reality smacks me in the face again…

I also notice that I’m not doing well with changes in my life…even small ones…

Just the thought of moving out with my husband…yeah…I don’t know about that…

On the other hand…I really REALLY want to move out…

Not that I don’t love or get along with the parents but, BUT…

And it’s not about being alone with my husband either…

It’s just…we wont’ be moving with Michael…

It’ll hit me hard again…

Like it doesn’t hit me every second on the day already…

I can’t seem to contain the tears anymore…

At work the other day, I just cried in my husbands arms…in the hallway…

People saw me…

There, you see, I’m still grieving…I’m almost mindless with my grief.

With the history of depression in my family, and a history of it myself, I’m terrified I’m going to lose my mind.

I’m terrified that I will lose me.

I’m terrified that I already have…

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