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Hard to Focus

July 8, 2010

All I want to do is think about Michael. Write about Michael, and this new journey I’m forced to take.  I can’t seem to concentrate at work, I wait for the minute I can clock out, come home, and write another blog.  I used to LOVE work, and don’t get me wrong, I still do love my job.  I wouldn’t trade it for anything…but now part of me ‘needs’ to be home, writing about Michael, my grief, and anything else that comes through my mind.

I can’t even focus enough to pay bills, or read a book for enjoyment, or clean, or, or, or.  I’m sure my mother is a little miffed about my lack of doing much, but sitting on my butt, therefore, leaving a lot up to her.

I almost feel like I’m not really in control of myself, in regards to needing to write. It’s hard to explain.

I just wish I could write more through out the day.

Hell, I wish with every part of my being, that Michael was here, and I didn’t want to write ever again!

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5 Comments leave one →
  1. Michelle Wilson permalink
    July 8, 2010 7:00 am

    I can only imagine the depth of your pain. But I do read all that you write and I feel the pain in your words. Your pain shows just how much you miss Michael, and I know he misses you too. If only he could write back to you. Your mother, and anyone else “bothered” by your grief, need to realize that this is how you are going to get through this…and it will never fully go away. It may get easier to hide, but you will always be missing Michael and always will need him. Those people that do not understand, you hope they never have to go through that pain to understand, but then again I am sure you wish they knew the depth of your pain to have someone who truely understood.

    I know for me, if I lost my son, I would be a complete zombie. I would go nowhere, wouldn’t talk to any one, and would probably write and read everything like you are. You are reacting like any loving mother should, and you will always be Michael’s mother…remember that. Your writing and trying to find a cure for SIDS is your mothering to Michael now, and that is your focus and should be your focus.

    I sure wish I could hug you Peggy.

    • July 8, 2010 4:36 pm

      Thanks. BTW, it’s not my mother. She is totally understanding about everything. 🙂

      • July 8, 2010 4:38 pm

        lol okay, shows how much I paid attention to my own post, this morning. I was joking about my mother…she has been understanding and tolerant of the emotional ride we’ve all been on. Thats what I meant…

  2. Leash permalink
    July 10, 2010 12:15 am

    Hey Peggy,
    I don’t know if you realize how much you are helping so many other families that have lost a child through writing your blog. You have an exquisite creativity in your writing, and by using this blog as an expression of your grief you are helping others heal, minute by minute. Your writing is important right now, but if you can muster it…so is your speech. Looking from the other side of the glass (as woman who can only get a glimpse of your grief) People want to be a support to you when you need it, but your colleagues may be blind to know how you need to cope. Right now you are at a place where you need to eat sleep and breathe Michael, and the monotony of work may seem meaningless, But when you are able, tell them that you need their support, and how they can do that is by letting you have the time without the judgment, or the expectation that you will be better in a time frame. You don’t need fair weathered friends, nor do you need fair weathered colleagues, but i believe they will support you…if they know how. You are so gifted Peggy, and if all you feel like doing now is writing….write, because you are opening a healing marketplace for a world of hurting parents. We Love you, Michael and Wayne always!

    • July 10, 2010 9:47 am

      Thank you Leash….I hope that somehow I’m helping others, but that isn’t my first thought…it’s usually, I need to REMEMBER while I still can…

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