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A Life Lived, or Just observed?

July 8, 2010

Will I be able to live a life full of life? Or will I be an observer of the ebb and flow going on around me? Sometimes I just don’t know.

Today at work, did not go well at all.  I couldn’t seem to get anything done, and just feel overwhelmed by the simplest duties.  I know that I DID do something, since my co-worker showed me what I’d done. But don’t ask me how I did it, I don’t remember doing it.

I seem to not remember a lot of things these days.

Life is moving on around me, and I don’t know how to handle that. It seems that the farther away from Michaels time here on earth I get, the more…depressed I get, more anxious I am, more confusion, and less concentration ability.

It seems like I’m going backwards in grief, not forwards. But I’m not holding myself back…that I’m aware of, that is.

I look at the symptoms of ‘Major Depression’ and I know I have many of them. They say that if you have more than five (5) of them, then you need to seek professional counseling.

  • Persistent depressed, sad, anxious, or empty mood
  • Feeling worthless, helpless, or experiencing excessive or inappropriate guilt
  • Hopeless about the future, excessive pessimistic feelings
  • Loss of interest and pleasure in your usual activities
  • Decreased energy and chronic fatigue
  • Loss of memory, difficulty making decisions or concentrating
  • Irritability or restlessness or agitation
  • Sleep disturbances, either difficulty sleeping, or sleeping too much
  • Loss of appetite and interest in food, or overeating, with weight gain
  • Recurring thoughts of death, or suicidal thoughts or actions

In case you couldn’t tell, the ones in red are me. Out of the ten, I highlighted 7 of them, with partial on the 8th one.

I think this classifies me as Major Depressive.  But I’m not a professional and can’t make the call about myself.

Can I be honest with you? I’m really low, all the time.  Even when I’m laughing…I think it’s worse then.

Most of the time, all I do want to do, is crawl into bed, close out the world, and weep until I can’t anymore.

I want to be with my son so bad…but I don’t want to kill myself. Thankfully.

I have moments, brief though they are, that I get riled up about something. But usually, within a few hours I’m back to wishing I was home, in bed.  Because I work, I’m forced outside into the world. Which, logically, is probably a good thing. But sometimes…Sometimes I just want to shut myself up into a room, and not feel anything. Sleep away my pain and sorrow.


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