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Male Grief

July 7, 2010

We’ve been told that men grieve differently than women.  This has never been more evident in my eyes, than with the death of Michael. My husband has a hard time expressing his grief, his guilt, his anger, sadness, pain, etc. He’s told me many times, that he reads my blogs, wishing he could express his grief to get it out, like I do.

I know that other stories I’ve read the man is usually asked how his wife is doing, instead of being seen as a fellow griever.

My husband grieves the loss of Michael just as much as I do. He hurts just as much as I do.  He misses him just as often and constantly as I do.

Society expects the man to put up the ‘manly’ facade, the stiff upper lip through times of trauma, grief, loss and strife.

But at what cost?

The ‘experts’ are finding out that many of our men are suffering PTSD in times of trials and trauma, not just regular grief (if there IS such a thing as ‘regular’ grief!).  This is of course, most evident in the military, where being daily reminded of the dangers of life is a reality.

The idea that being the strong silent type is manly, is a huge detriment to the male members of our society, crippling them with undo expectations, bigger responsibility then they are able to withstand in the situation.

People need to be able to grieve in ways that help them. Putting unreasonable expectations on someone because of their sex, is not only unfair, is it unjust as well.

I love my husband very much, and grieve with him through this harrowing time in our lives. While I do not know the path of his grief, we still walk the same road, hand in hand, and sometimes, we’re stumbling along together. I would give anything, to replace his grief with Michael.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. Cheri permalink
    July 7, 2010 6:26 pm

    I know what you mean. When I lost my 14 week pregnancy I was angry because my husband seemed to be dramatic about it (and I think a lot of that anger was misplaced grieve because I was mad he wasn’t taking it seriously). But he got mad once at me and said ‘I lost a baby too Cheri, not just you!’. I was speechless. I had no idea he was truly grieving with me. I now think of all the daddy’s out there that lost babies too. And to lose one that you’ve bonded with and got to know for 5 months is on a whole other level.
    But I prayed for him as much as I prayed for you. And you’re right, the dad’s do get put in the background when they need to be right next to the moms.

    • July 7, 2010 6:30 pm

      It’s a sad thing that the man isn’t allowed to grieve publicly, without being told to suck it up.

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