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What do you say when you can’t say what you want to say?

July 6, 2010

I’ve been quiet the past few days…not because I haven’t had anything to say, but because what I would have said wouldn’t have been appropriate for the ‘masses’ to read!

I have so many pent up emotions, that the slightest thing sets me off.  I can and will go from biting your head off in .02 seconds, to crying so hard that I almost throw up…and still don’t know how to tell people whats wrong.

I am so mad right now, that I’m drained emotionally.

Somethings have happened that I feel like I don’t have any say in.  But I have every right to voice my opinion, and feel the way I do.  He was my son, after all.

Sometimes I don’t speak at all, because if I opened my mouth, word vomit would come out, and the aftermath wouldn’t be pretty.

I have this strong, overwhelming desire to have everything Michael. Anything he touched, anything with his name on it, or anything intended for him, or about him, I want. Medical records, medical examination, police reports, insurance policies. EVERYTHING.  The onesie which was cut off of him in the effort to bring him back to us, all the clothes he wore, and some he didn’t get the chance to wear at all…blankets, boppy pillow, I want it all. It’s all I have left of him…all that IS Michael now…I even wanted the modified pacifier, (Babe, I know that it was more cathartic for you to get rid of it, than for me to keep it. I love you!).  When I think about getting rid of anything, I almost go into a panic attack.  It gets hard to breath, to swallow, to think beyond the moment. With the exception of my husband, when people ask me for something of Michaels, I physically feel ill, and my immediate reaction is HELL NO! He was MY son! You don’t have a right to anything of his!  In my moments of logic, I know that that isn’t always the right way to feel. I have flashes of guilt for feeling so selfish, so territorial with Michael and his stuff…but then I think to myself…I have a right to feel that way. I lost my son…and sometimes I can’t really control my knee-jerk reaction to what is said to me, or about me, or about my husband, or to him.  I have to grieve Michael in the way that helps me, I can’t help anyone else, I can’t even really help my husband, except to be there for him, love him and LOVE him!

So when you think of asking for anything that was for Michael, THINK before you ask me or my husband.  Consider our way of grieving before your own.

Consider us, before yourself.  We have lost our son…so everything related to him is precious beyond understanding, beyond logic, beyond sense.

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