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Dear God,

July 6, 2010

God…this sucks…no wait, that doesn’t describe how I’m feeling accurately. God, I can’t breath, eat, smile, laugh, cry, rage without thinking, missing, mourning Michael.

This is NOT fair…I do NOT understand this. I do NOT and WILL NOT E V E R accept that he isn’t in my life. It is not acceptable that I lost my son.  I am jealous of other mothers who have their children in their arms. I think of Michael every second, of every day, and dream of life with him every night.

God, I am mad at You…I’m angry that I have to go through this. I am struggling with this.  I just can’t wrap my head around this…I think I’m still in shock, and sometimes numb.

It doesn’t help when I have to deal with people who don’t understand this…who don’t think of me or my husband.

Sometimes I wish You would just shut them up for me!

I’m so tired of this…I don’t want to be so sad…so angry, so grief stricken…I just want Michael back…I don’t think thats too much to ask…or desire. I kinda think it’s normal, don’t You? After all, You created mothers to be protective of and over their children…

I just want him back…I want to hold him, rock him, watch him while he sleeps…see his sunny smile, hear his silly baby talk.

All I have now is his memory, and thats a cold cold thing to hold close. It’s a very poor substitute.

God…this sucks…

2 Comments leave one →
  1. Racheal permalink
    July 7, 2010 1:43 pm

    This is def something on my list to talk to God about. I cannot wrap my head or my heart around it. I know you said you are in therapy, but are there any groups of other parents going through this? At least then you and your hubby can talk to other perents who can relate. Still praying for you!

    • July 7, 2010 5:33 pm

      I am in the process of talking with a MISS Foundation Hope mentor, who is trying to get an informal group together of other mothers. Our pastor is also someone in whom my husband can confide, as he lost a young son as well.

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