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This Cup

July 4, 2010

Matthew 26:38-39 (NIV)

38Then he said to them, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.”

39Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.”

How true those words are.  Daily, hourly, my whole being can, will and is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death.  Even if I don’t physically fall down on my face, my soul does. I am wary with this burden. Disorientated with the grief. Confused about the reason.  I pray, argue and wrestle about why this cup has been placed in my hands. I plead with God and do not understand.  I am not yet to being fully accepting of it.  I long for the day that I can truly say, Yet not my will, but Yours God.   I know in that day, I will be able to have His peace, that I will be able to let Michael go.

But now…now I fight.

When Jacob fought with God, he called the place Paniel. It means, it is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.   His hip was touched and he limped throughout his life.  I struggle with His path for my life. I see His face daily, and yet I am spared, where my son wasn’t.

Oh Lord…my being is tired with this path…I don’t know which way to turn.  I don’t understand why…

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