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Conflicting emotions, Yes I have them!

July 4, 2010

There are 6-7 pregnant girls at work right now. They are all started to pop out, and do the waddle.  While in some part of me is happy for them, it’s getting harder and harder to see them.

To see the fact of my life. That I walked the pregnant road last year, but I do not have Michael.

To remember the joys and fears of being pregnant, of being a mother…and I do not have Michael.

To hear them talk about all the baby items they need or want, or the newest baby gear….and I don’t have Michael.

Reality sets in for me, as if I need a reminder.  While others are adding to their family, ours is missing a precious part.   Last year, life was full of promise, excitement, joys.  Now…now it’s almost too much to bear.

I struggle through each day, like a battle wary warrior who knows that she has to get through to live.  Pardon me,  for not wanting to live without my son.

I find myself not wanting to leave the little office at work…I don’t want to venture out and be reminded of what I’m missing.   It’s too painful…too fresh. Too intense.

It seems like we can’t get a break, that things are heaped upon us more and more, without warning, without care for what we can handle, or even what we WANT to handle.

I would prefer to not have so many pregnant co-workers…I don’t have a choice though.

Oh, God, help me get through the battlefield…I really don’t want to go through this. I wish You’d have picked someone else for this, why was it me?

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. Heather permalink
    July 6, 2010 11:39 pm

    Peggy,
    I feel your pain in this…I find it very difficult as well to see those at work who are with child. I am struggling with even seeing it posted even on FB. I know that our circumstances are incredibly different, yet we share similar emotions in regards to this. The loss of your son and the loss of what I cannot have…I grieve with you…daily.

    Blessings,
    Heather

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