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What is normal?

June 30, 2010

In a lot of the literature I’ve read on SIDS grief tells me that ‘normal’ never happens again.  It’s gone. Gone, because your sense of right and wrong, life span and milestones, death follows birth after you’ve lived your live fully, has been taken from you. Whatever innocence you had about life, is now, suddenly gone.

I wonder, what will my new normal be?

I know that my new normal, will involve certain amounts of grief and anger for some time to come.

I know that the new normal I face, will be the roughest road I’ll take.

I know the the new normal, will probably change it’s face many times throughout my life.

But beyond that, the new normal has yet to show itself.

I’m not really afraid of that normal…I’m angry I have to learn it, live through it…that life as I knew it is now changed forever and I didn’t have a choice.

I question God almost hourly.

I haven’t heard back from Him yet.

I know Michael is in His presence.

But right now, that just doesn’t seem fair.

That seems horrible to me…

Why does this happen?

And why did it have to happen to me?

Whatever in the world did I do, that this in now my life?

I wonder if I’m being punished for something…wouldn’t you?

I ask myself, Who is this Person I believe in?

Why would a God who says who He says He is, take my child from me?

Don’t I deserve to raise a beloved son to follow Him?

I just don’t get it…

I don’t think I ever will.

I just want Michael back…if longing could make him appear, he wouldn’t have left us at all.

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