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Grief and Fingerprints

June 29, 2010
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I was reading earlier today, this blog by a Dr. Joanne Cacciatore, PhD.  In her post on A Grieving Mother’s Manifesto, she so eloquently states,

“Remember that grief is as personal to each individual as a fingerprint. Don’t tell me how I should or shouldn’t be doing it, or that I should or shouldn’t ‘feel better by now.’  Don’t tell me what’ right or wrong. I’m doing it my way, in my time. If I am to survive this, I MUST do what is best for me.” (emphasis mine)

Pretty much everyone knows how completely individual their fingerprints are to themselves.  No one else has one just like it, something is always a little different, the grooves a bit deeper, or shallower. The whorls more noticeable, or less, or just more whorl-y.

This same is VERY true with grief. Especially the grief of a parent, whose child was cut from their family tree, before the tiny limb had a chance to grow and bloom.

Our Michael was the most precious thing in our lives, the most important, the biggest gift.   Yet now, instead of watching him grow, learn, laugh, we have to learn to grow without him, learn that laughter doesn’t mean we’ve forgotten him.  That is not fair, it doesn’t give me much comfort when I’m told he’s in God’s hand now, it doesn’t make me feel warm and bubbly inside when I’m told that he is my guardian angel. Nor does it give comfort to me to hear that maybe he was saved from something horrible in life. Nor, that by moving on, I’d make him proud of me.

I’m mad.

He should be in my hand’s, not God’s.

I should be his guardian, NOT God.

Why wasn’t I saved from this horrible ‘something’ in my life?

Do you really think it’s so easy for me to ‘move on’?

Life, death. One follows the other, in the natural order of things…but usually there are years, memories, families made, before death comes. We were cheated out of those with Michael.

Thinking ahead in our lives, I know that seeing the milestones of the children we may have, will make it so bittersweet. Seeing the things we SHOULD be doing with Michael.

He should be in our family right now, in my arms, sleeping in his crib. Wearing his clothes…laughing at mommys faces, and sounds. Following daddy with his eyes and craning his neck to see him.

Instead, his spirit is in heaven, and his ashes are in a small 4in by 4in baby blue box/urn. Next to pictures of him, a pair of his shoes.

I mourn so many things…some many broken dreams. So many…

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. Michelle Wilson permalink
    June 29, 2010 4:19 am

    Peggy,

    My heart breaks for you. I read everything you write, and can only imagine the pain you feel for losing your precious Michael. Everytime I read something you write, I feel your words, and I cry your tears, and I just wish I knew you in real life to hug you and be there for you…more than just reading your words. I wish I could do something, anything to help you grieve, and I know your grief will always be there, and wish I could always be there to listen. But just know, Michael is always there with you, and he listens too, and his heart hurts too because he can’t physically be in your arms. But he is there, and he is living through you, and he loves you and always will, just like you will always love and miss him. He will always be there because HE IS REAL, there is no past tense, MICHAEL IS REAL… You will ALWAYS be his mother, and as you have other children, they will grow up knowing him through you too, their big brother who is always with them. I wish I knew the words to say, or how to help….but all that really helps is for you to grieve the way YOU need to, not how everyone else thinks you should. Michael is your child, and you will always think of him and need him, and you need to let yourself feel the emotions you are feeling, for his sake and yours….because the pain that will always be there, also shows that he is and will always be real, and missed, and always loved.

    With love,
    Michelle Wilson

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