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More randomness

June 27, 2010

Is it wrong for me to imagine he’s still with us?
Is it naive of me to think that doing that will help me?
Can you see me right now, God?
Do you know how much I’m hurting?
Do you care about me?
What do I do with my anger?
What do I do with my pain, God?
Why, WHY, damn it, why!
I just want to go back to the morning of March 11, and call in sick to work.
I want to hold him one more time…but that wouldn’t be enough.
I want to kiss him one more time, but that would NEVER be enough.
God, why….
Silently my tears fall today.
My heart feels like it’s been torn out of my chest…I thought that feeling would be different by now.
I guess not.

I don’t know how to be a mom, without Michael.

I don’t know…I just don’t know…

I can’t stop thinking about Michael. Or feeling like something is missing in my day. It is missing…I have no little socks to match up. When I do laundry now, no little blue, green, or camo outfits will be found…no matter how much I look for them, how much I want them to be there, more than I want to breathe.

I have no reason to get up at night anymore…but…I still do…I’m still on Michael’s sleeping/waking schedule.

People who see me walking around in a store, won’t know I’m Mom anymore…I don’t have the diaper bag, or the car sear, or my son…but I’m still a mother. Just one without her child.

I have no other children to distract me, or to worry about…unless you count the cat.

Sometimes I can just sit here and stare into space…lost in the memories of Michael and our small little family.

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