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Mourning

June 9, 2010

Mourning. I never really gave it any thought, until it was thrust upon me March 11, 2010. I still don’t remember much of that day, which I know now, is God’s way of shielding me from the worst. I read that, and think I can hear you say,

“The worst was losing Michael! How can anything be worse than that?!”

I didn’t ‘lose’ my son, I know just were he went too.

Heaven.

No, he isn’t my guardian angel. Nor is he able to watch over me. He is too busy worshiping Our Father.

Matthew 5:4 says, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”

The Greek word for ‘to mourn’ is the strongest used for mourning; it’s defined as the type of grief that brings an ache to the heart, and unrestrained tears to the eyes. The kind of grief you can’t control, in other words.

This road is very unpredictable. There are blind-man curves, sharp drop-offs, high mountain climbs, and low valley crawls. Without warning, a detour sign can pop up.

What does all that mean?

I’ll tell you.

Dealing with the loss of Michael is very unpredictable. Some day’s, I don’t know how the day is going to go, I can’t see past the current breath I’m taking. Some hours, it seems as if the mat of life is ripped out from underneath me. Some minutes, it feels like living and going forward take too much effort, and I can’t take another step. Some seconds, I feel like I’ve received a left-hook from my blind side, and can’t take another breath.

But…

My Father in Heaven, has been giving me hope, love and comfort. Almost without my knowing it. In His wisdom, people are in my life now. Songs, poems, words, generous gifts from the heart, pictures, and many other things. They all point back to Him. He has been carrying me all along, and continues to do so. His voice is the one which gives me comfort, and peace. His arms are strong enough to hold me when I weep with gut wrenching sorrow. He is strong enough to withstand my grief, my anger, my confusion with this.

He is my breath, when I can’t breath.

I’ve learned that His love never fails, even when I do fail Him. And I do fail and stumble, daily. I mourn for the lost promises, dreams and hopes we had for Michael. I try not to think about what he would have been like, what his voice would have sounded like. Who my son would be when he was a man. What his children would look like.

There are days when I have to force myself to keep working. It takes all my will power, which isn’t much, to NOT run from my work place, screaming with the pain.

There are days when the breath is easier to take. I can feel a sense of peace within me that is only from God.

I know that He is with me through it all, there for me when I need His strength to take just one more step, and then another and another.

I feel a very strong affinity with King David in the Bible. The poems he’d written could be my own words. Of course, my circumstances aren’t his…but the power of the emotion is.

Psalm 69:2-3, “I have sunk in the deep mire, and there is no foothold; I have come into deep waters, and a flood overflows me. I am weary with my crying; my throat is parched, my eyes fail while I wait for my God.”

Psalm 69:29-30, “But I am afflicted and in pain; may Your salvation, o God, set me securely on high. I will praise the name of God with song, and magnify Him with thanksgiving.”

Psalm 63:3, “Because Your loving kindness is better than life; my lips will praise You.”

For some of you, my faith in God may be hard to understand. If I blamed Him, you wouldn’t blame me for it. But I can’t blame Him, I WON’T blame Him. I ask you to not place the blame at His feet either. He has shown, many times over, in many ways, that He is who He says He is.

I may not know why I am to go through this. But He does. He has prepared me for this by all the happenings in my life.

Many people have told me that He doesn’t give us more than we can handle. Well let me tell you this…if I didn’t have my faith in Him, I could not handle this. If my choice to keep my faith in Him through this all, didn’t stand up, I could not handle this.

I am human, I am so weak. I take steps because He gives me just enough strength to take that one step, and then the next one, and next.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. June 10, 2010 12:32 am

    Ah my dear, God has given you such a wonderful gift to be able to express both the deep sorrow of loss and the deep joy of knowing His love and peace. Thank you for sharing it with us.

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