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Jealousy, Anger and Grief, OH MY!

May 5, 2010

*DISCLAIMER* This is a rant, things that have been pent up for a few days. I will NOT tell anyone who this post is about, so please, don’t ask. (2 people really) Some STRONG language too, so beware, please!

I’m jealous of you.

You get to hold your son.
My arms are bereft.

You get to see his smirking smile.
I get to memorize a picture.

You hear his voice daily.
My memories of his will fade each day.

You get to show him life here on earth.
I see life here on earth, and miss my sidekick.

You get to see him crawl and walk.
I hold a pillow and dream of him walking to me.

You smile and laugh at your sons antics.
My grief is so deep, it scares me.

You get to celebrate mothers day, holding him tightly.
I will try to get through the day without crying to much.

You think I’m strong to be dealing with this as I am…
I’m just jealous of you…I try not to be, but I am…

Every little thing your son does…
Mine won’t.

You document every milestone with pictures, laughs, and joy.
I look at the pictures of Michael, forever frozen in time.

I am a mother…
…with no child to hold…
I am a mother…
…who doesn’t know how to be a mother, without her son.
I am a mother…aren’t I?
I’m allowed to celebrate Mother’s Day, aren’t I?

I’m allowed to grieve anyway I want too, even if it doesn’t fit into societies mold of grief. If my grief offends you, DON’T fricken LOOK AT ME! Don’t talk behind my back, talk to my face! Don’t talk to someon about me, and NOT talk to ME! If you don’t think I’m grieving enough, FUCK off! YOU have NO idea what in the HELL I’ve gone through, and continue to go through. EVERY single breath I take is a reminder that my son is gone, gone forEVER! That’s right, you sanctimonious BITCH, GONE, dead…no longer with me…THINK ABOUT THAT, before you open your big ass mouth about how YOU think I should be grieving! You want to start a rumor, try it…I will call you out so fucking fast, your head will spin and you won’t know WHAT hit you!

*And no, this doesn’t make me feel better really…I wish I could say it to the person’s face. I doubt I’d be able to say it without blubbering my eyeballs out. No, I’m not perfect, people. I have a big flaw in my temper. Among other things. I don’t claim to be perfect. I just know that God is keeping me together, I am holding on to His promises like white on rice. I miss my son horribly…I feel like he is fading away. That is so painful, I can’t even describe it.*

4 Comments leave one →
  1. May 5, 2010 4:35 am

    I am so sorry Peggy, I can't even imagine the pain that you are going through. Everyone grieves differently, and to say that your not doing it "properly" is ridicules and ignorant. I wish I could be there to just be there for you, but please know that you are in my prayers and if there is anything at all that I can do, I will. I love my beautiful friend.

  2. May 5, 2010 5:26 am

    Peggy, I weep with you. I can not know the grief and anger you are feeling. But I weep with you. Love, hugs and prayers – Karen

  3. May 5, 2010 2:36 pm

    Peggy, I am so sad beside/with you. I can not imagine the pain in your heart and I just pray that God sends his comfort and peace and strength to envelope you. I do not know your pain… but I do know the pain of the death of a dream… and when Michael died all the dreams and hopes you had for him died with him. May OUR God give you more peace and comfort than you can possibly imagine.

  4. May 6, 2010 1:56 am

    LET ME AT THEM! Girl you know how I get!!!! Grrrr……I pray and hurt for you everytime I see my son and know you can't see yours! It KILLS me to know you have to live everyday with this and kills me even worse to know I can do nothing to help 😦 All I can do is love my son, cherish my son, and thank god for everyday I have him because through your pain I've learned how lucky I really am! And for the bitch(s) running their mouth…..let ME at 'em! We all grieve differently! So step off BITCH(S)

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