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Holy flaming randomness, Batman!

May 5, 2010

I have so much flying around in my head during the day, I wish I could write it down to blog about later. By the time I come home, I’m just drained, mentally and emotionally. Words are the last thing I want to think about. Typing those words out are usually so hard to fully articulate the way I want them to be.

When people ask me how I’m doing…I would love to be able to say with a straight face, I’m so so great that Saddam Hussein would want me to give his ‘army’ a pep talk!
(Anyone who gets that, gets my humor!)

When I smile, you ca pretty much guarantee that inside I’m weeping.

Before you tell me it’s okay to cry on your shoulder, are you sure you can really handle the fullness of my grief? If you say yes, you are stronger than I am.

When you don’t see a tear in my eyes, you can thank the British upbringing of the stiff upper lip, the Scottish tenancies to show no weakness, and the German ability to distance ones self from horror.

If you ask me something, and I don’t answer…it might be that if I start to talk, I’ll start to weep, and I don’t want to burden you with my grief.

If you’re reading this, not understanding the way I am…I would prefer to grieve alone, than on your shoulder. I would prefer to yell where no one can hear me, than have you see the intensity of my pain. This is how I am…I won’t change.

If I can hold back the pain long enough to get somewhere alone to let it out, I will…I must. I do not allow myself to show you that level of pain. For good or bad, it’s how I am. YES, I’m allowing myself to grieve…just not in front of people. I’m private that way…

I do not blame God, nor do I ask why. I do not actually want to know an official reason for his death, I’m not sure I can handle a reason that could have been corrected. I’m not sure I can deal with a reason in which something SHOULD have been done.

When I look back on my life as an old woman, I want to see my life as being lived…not watched. I want to do things, learn things, go places, not hold back.

Life is way too short, to be spent angry for to long, bitter to much, in grief too deep, or wished away.

I may stumble on the anger, bitterness, grief and jealousy, but I know in time, it’ll get less and less, and some of those might just disappear totally.

One Comment leave one →
  1. May 5, 2010 2:42 pm

    Humm… I must say me must be related that whole British, Scottish, German… well I get it!

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