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When you remember everything…

March 22, 2010

When I remember everything I ever said or did to Michael…

I feel so many emotions, depending on what I said or did…

Guilt, happiness…sorrow, pain, joy, pride, contentment…

I remember holding him while he slept peacefully.
Holding him when he was eating, and he’d smile at me that heartbreaking smile.
I remember being mad at him, for waking me up, or keeping me up, night after night.
I remember being so mad and upset with him, I’d have to put him in his crib and walk away, or call my mother to come take her grandson for fear of doing something so horrible to him.
I remember being in complete awe that he was my son.
I can still see him, when I have him his baths, he loved them…he was learning to kick and giggle at the sounds his farts would make in the water. Such a male, he was.
I can still remember the feel of his soft little head, his cheek and his hands on mine.
I can still remember being so mad that I’d pat his butt so hard, it was really a spank…who spanks a child so young?
I remember having such patience with him, and then such impatience that it scared me.
I remember his baby smell, both the good and bad…you know what I mean. Just after a bath, and just after a poopy diaper.
I remember the pride in my husbands eyes, when he would hold Michael.
I remember the way Michael would follow his daddy with his eyes…he would even stop eating just to turn his head to watch his father walk by.
I remember the way he’d love to talk and talk and talk…I’m sure he was exaggerating a bit here and there…
I remember seeing my father just melt and the pride in his face to be a grandfather to such a boy as Michael…
I remember my mother in laws pure, undiluted joy in being a longed for grandmother.
My mother was so eager to show Michael our families traditions.

I remember the phone call that came on the 11th of March.
The phone call that changed my life forever.

I remember the pure terror in my husbands voice as he told me that Michael wasn’t breathing.

I remember the panic look in my mother in laws eyes when she came into the private waiting room.

I remember my boss, Amy, holding my arm and walking really close to me, as the hospital staff walked me to the room where they were trying vainly to bring my Michael back to me.

I remember telling Amy that he wasn’t there, he was already dancing with Jesus.

I remember when the doctors and nurses came into that waiting room, with tears in their eyes, telling me Michael didn’t make it.

I remember the feel of his lifeless little body, when I held him close for the last time.

I remember not wanting to let go of him. I asking him to wake up for Mommy…

I remember asking for his forgiveness of anything I’d done that was wrong.

I remember…

I remember…

I will always remember…

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