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What makes me grieve this way?

March 22, 2010

Writing on this blog…
Reading the What To Expect site…
Making his scrapebook….
Going through his pictures and videos, crying my eyes out…
Reading through the Bible and praying til no words come out…

This is how I cope…

This is how I am making it through each day…

This is now my life…

God is the reason I’m not insane with grief.
If I had not God in my life,
I would be in a dark room, sleeping my life away.
God is my strength to get up each day…
God is my hope for things to get the smallest bit better each minute.
God gives me words to use, to express myself…

If I have no words, Michael wouldn’t be real.
If I have not memories, his precious life wouldn’t be remembered.
If I don’t write them down, and get them out, one way or another, then my body could not contain itself.

If I had not God…
I wouldn’t be here.

If I couldn’t see the lives of those small sweet babies born around the same time as Michael…living, breathing, laughing and learning…I would be in great despair.

I can not fully explain why this need is in me, or how to fully express the desire to watch others grow when Michael can not…

I may be in denial about many things, and it might be easier for me to ignore my real life by getting online…but I need too sometimes, to give my body a break from the emotions running wild.

Michael and I went through a lot in our short relationship…I suffered, and wonder if I still do, from PPD…so I may not make sense in how I deal with this…but it’s how it’s working for me…

I have found out something amazing and sad…

When someone looses a baby, everyone, near and far, online and in real life, grieve with you. While they may not know how you feel 100%, unless they have lost a baby, they still grieve the loss of life, they still cry tears of pain and sorrow. They still have lasting changes in their life…

When a baby is lost…
Many lose their sense of security and learn to love more, hold tighter, and give freely.

If just one person learns to hold their child closer, or enjoy all those tiny moments, or forgive someone, because of Michael…his life did something wonderful and priceless…

I miss you, Mickey…everyday, I miss you.

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