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What makes a hero…

March 20, 2010

While talking to a friend online yesterday, she told me I was her hero and inspiration through this horrible time in my life.

I can now more understand and fully appreciate those who we call hero’s. In their line of work, or lifestyle, they decided to be courageous, kind, caring, enduring and faithful. I understand why they don’t think they’ve done anything more or less special than the next person in line, and I understand why they say that someone else could have done just the same as them.

I had no choice in losing Michael. I didn’t sign up to be a childless mother. Yet here I am…suffering through each day as best I can…broken hearted yet hopeful. Sorrowful, yet peaceful. I wouldn’t choose this for myself again, I wouldn’t sign up to be a childless mother again. Yet here I am…going through this everyday.

I’m not more or less of a mother than the next woman.
I’m not more or less strong than the next mother…
I just survive, one second at a time…
I sometimes remember to breath through the pain…
I cling to my husband tighter than before…

I have been down that dark road of not wanting to live.
I have wished to never wake up again.
I have pleaded to die and be with my son again…

But I’m reminded that I have much to live for still…
I have a family that would be even more broken and sorrowful should I go from here…
I have a husband who would be lost without me, as I would without him.

I told my friend that the best legacy my son has given me is to live my life.
Truly live it, not watch it go by. To embrace the good, and the bad, and know that I’ll make it through to the other side. I may not be as I was before, but my son has made my life better.

I can honestly say, that even through my grief, sorrow and pain, I know that he’s blessed my life and the gift of his life is priceless.

I am forever grateful that I was allowed to be Michael’s mother for 149 days + pregnancy.

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