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My Faith

March 19, 2010

I used to wonder how strong my faith was, if I was just a face value type believer. If I just spoke the words really well.

Most people don’t experience something in their life, that makes them come face to face with their faith. That make them face the reality of it. That make them ask, “Do I believe in God?” and “If I believe in God, do I believe His words?”

Some minutes I know I’m strong in my belief of God. Others, I’m not so sure I’ve got faith in His words. I struggle internally with the ‘why mes?’ ‘why my son?’ ‘Do You really love me?’ etc etc etc.

There are times that I am peaceful and secure that God’s got it all handled. Other times, I’m sure I’d fall to pieces if my skin didn’t hold me together.

I have so many emotions going through my body daily now, that I’m surprised I’m not insane with them.

When people want to express their sorrow, condolences, etc, I’m grateful they care enough to tell me…but sometimes…I just want to scream at them and tell them they are wrong! NOTHING is wrong with our family, Michael is alive and well…but then I’m reminded that no…he’s not well…he’s passed on…he got his wings…

And then, it’s a bad day for me…I’m real low and sad…nothing can make it better right now…

Even my faith in God doesn’t give much comfort at times, while at others it’s so peaceful inside me.

I just want to except the peace God offers me, and not let go of it.
But I’m too much of a control freak to let go for too long.

Oh, Lord, let me let you be in control! I NEED you to be in control…or all of this isn’t fair nor does it have a purpose…and damn, but Michael better have had a purpose!

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