I want to rewind my days, erase these memories of grief.
I want to remember what it feels like to hold your body, the echo is gone now.
I want to hear your voice, your laughter and your giggles, and not have to rely on videos that aren’t long enough now…
I want to remember the sleepless nights, the tired and fuzzy brain, to have you smile it all away for me.
I don’t remember much anymore…as I watch you on video I recall memories which are lost.
This all breaks me heart anew.
Someone has told me that it’s good to look at pictures, watch the videos and even watch the memorial video. Is it? I don’t know…
Again, I think I’m okay, yet the pain can still be so piercing and raw within moments.
People want to fix me, and I want to BE fixed. I’m so tired…so wary…
From tomorrow that is…
I’m at a loss…for once. I will just remember today…
Two week to go, and it’ll have been a year.
Two weeks to go, and that day will be here.
Two weeks…I knew it was coming, but I didn’t know it was so close. I can’t lie to myself for long, can I?
Two weeks…and I find that my memories are so distant and so hazy.
Two weeks…and I see that I’ve a long way, yet have barely taken a step.
Two weeks…and I will hit that milestone of grief that everyone yearns for.
Two weeks = one year. Thats odd math, but you know what I mean…
Looking back on this year, I can say that grace brought me to this point. One step in front of another, has given me added faith. I have not always conducted myself with love or faith…but I am flawed, I am human. It’s the grace again, carrying me when nothing else could.
can will do this, only by the grace of my Father in Heaven…
It’s been too long since I’ve written here.
As time moves closer to Mickeys heaven date, I find myself less and less ‘inspired’ to write. In some way, I know that not feeling well is also a culprit, but I know it’s mostly watching a date come that I wish had NO significance at all, yet it does.
It seems like a impassable wall, a wall of huge proportions that must be gone over, I can’t evade it. It’s like an obstacle course. I can see the end, but littered here and there before it are things I must go through to get there. I’m not a distance runner, nor have I ever enjoyed relays or other such things. But I feel like I’ve been running one for almost a year now. Just moving, constantly moving, falling often and getting back up again. Facing those obstacles has been hard, and will be hard.
We started going to the grief group again, as it started back up. I’m thankful for going again. It’s helping, and yet showing that I’m not done with this process.
In grief, you get to a point where you can carry on with life. But you never forget the depth of grief and where it can take you in just a moment. You get to a point where life isn’t so hard to face, but you know you’ll be sucker punched at some point, because something silly, small or seemingly insignificant triggers a memory, a hope, a dream in which will never be fulfilled without him here…
I’m so wary of this journey. I’m to tired, literally and figuratively. I’ve found that grief does things to my health that I don’t appreciate. Grief does things to my memory that I don’t appreciate.
Yet here I am, still living, still breathing. Albeit, not as I’d thought I would be. Maybe, not how I should be either. I have found a measure of lasting peace, a thread of hope and joy lights my days and eases my nights.
Praise Christ for giving me His strength to lean on…
Today two close friends of mine have launched a beautiful website called, ‘The Land of Zion.’
These lovely ladies have asked me to write a monthly article on or about SIDS for their site, so that the many mothers and families that will move through the site, will get the information they need to prevent this from happening to them as well.
Please head on over, and check them out. They are also on Facebook as well, and are hosting a giveaway!
This is another step in my desire to advocate for SIDS in Mickey’s name. I’m honored to be apart of this webpage.
You have been in my life for almost a year now. While in the beginning you were so oppressive, all consuming, and tiring..now? Now you are a constant companion that I’ve gotten used too. Sometimes you rear your head, and get a little too controlling again, and I will not put up with that, mmkay?
Want to know why? Okay, well I ‘ll tell you anyways. So you better listen.
I am a daughter of the Most High.
I am the Beloved of my King.
I am called precious, loved, grace-filled and receiver of Mercy.
I do not have to conform to the world, nor do I have to let my feelings rule who I am, or will be.
I am called His!
I am full of His peace.
So you see…I really don’t have time for you, nor will I make time for you. I might stumble, I’m sure I’ll fall a time or two or three…but you know what?
He is there for me, He never breaks His promises to me. I do not have to rely on my own understand, nor my own promises, because I’m like the wind that blows without direction. He is constant. He is faithful. He is Everlasting.
So, Grief, while you’ve served your purpose, you can go now…because now it’s His purpose which will be served.
Peg, daughter of the Most High.
And sometimes, it hits me out of nowhere, again.
When will I remember that I had a baby and lost him?
When will I remember without crying?
I see pictures of him, marvel at his tiny size at birth. But I wonder, was he real?
I see pictures of us as a family, lost in good memories. But I wonder, will it happen again, or was it just a dream?
I look through the pictures of things we did, crying at what we lost. But I wonder…was he real?
I touch the clothes that once warmed his skin, and get lost is memories. But I wonder, will these hands hold another child of ours?
*sigh* He was real. I once held him. I once knew what the love of a parent meant. Do I still?
I once had a baby boy, whom I still love more than air. I once held him so close.